Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.)  St. Paul’s School Principal Trevor Watkins has reportedly been spotted frantically blow drying the roads around SPS. Utilizing a long series of extension cords, Watkins was seen today (Jan. 17) attempting to melt all of the ice from the roads in an apparent attempt to ensure St. Paul’s School would not have to close for a second consecutive day due to snow and ice from Winter Storm Inga.

“School must go on!” Watkins mumbled crazily to himself as he wielded his wife’s Conair Infiniti Pro 3Q Hair Dryer. “It will go on! Ahahaha!”

“School will happen tomorrow. And everyone will be wearing their belts and ID’s and have their shirts tucked in and wearing only St. Paul’s outerwear. It will be glorious! Just glorious!” Watkins said while squatting down on 11th Avenue, blow drying a particular spot of ice that he said “must be annihilated.”

Witnesses say Watkins was displaying “frightening levels of speed and agility.”

“He was just moving so fast,” Teresa Cope, a neighbor of the school, said, describing Watkins’ movements as “ninja-like.”

“He could clear a whole block in like 60 seconds. It was actually pretty impressive,” she said.

Other members of the St. Paul’s administration are confused but supportive of Watkins’ actions.

“Do I think using 17 extension cords to meticulously blow dry the streets around campus is the rational thing to do here?” asked school president Brother Ray Builliard, FSC. “That’s hard to say. But sometimes you just have to let Trevor be Trevor.”

“Trevor’s anomalous methods may indeed be unorthodox and nonsensical,” Assisant Principal Joe Dickens said, “but they are of paramount importance to the continuing prosperity of St. Paul’s and to the propensity of the school to institute a sterling education to our malleable pupils.”

Watkins allegedly gave a group of confused 8th graders blow dryers and deployed them around campus to expedite the process of clearing away the ice.

“Remember, do long vertical sweeps over the road,” Watkins said. “If you twerps blow this, you can kiss 8th grade graduation good bye.”

Watkins was also seen chasing down a group of seniors who were dumping buckets of water onto the roads.

Despite Watkins’ efforts, the school announced that the closure would continue for a second day.