Why do some people seem to make friends without even trying? It’s not magic—it’s psychology. Researchers say a handful of small, everyday behaviors can quietly shape how others see us, often before we even say a word.

People remember feelings more than details. There is a famous quote by American poet Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” According to Angelou, it is more important to focus on how you make the other person feel than on what is happening.

In other words, effective communication is about what the recipient actually receives, not what you intended them to receive.

Psychology plays a bigger role in everyday communication than most people think. Here are some simple adjustments you can make to become a more likable person.

First, the biggest cheat code of all time is to compliment people behind their backs. If you compliment someone behind their back, chances are they’ll hear about it sooner or later. People love to gossip, so the opposite is true, too; if you talk badly behind their back, it will almost always get back to them.

Even if, in a group setting, everyone is picking on someone and they look to you for input, you can use euphemisms to avoid piling on with negativity. For instance, simply say, “They are interesting,” or “They are quite the character.” These are neither insults nor compliments, so you cannot go wrong.

Saint Paul’s junior Ben Sikes puts this rule into practice. “Sometimes, it can be hard to tell if someone likes you or not, but when I hear that someone complimented me behind my back, it makes me like them more. Compliments make everyone happy in the end and form stronger bonds,” Sikes said.

Second, eye contact, combined with a smile, is a massive deal. When someone is talking to you, they want to feel heard. According to Psychology Today, actively listening to and looking at them, while responding with a smile, lets them know you genuinely care about what they are saying (even if you don’t). Research shows that eye contact is crucial for building connection, trust, and emotional understanding.

When Saint Paul’s English and journalism teacher, Mr. Guarisco, teaches students professionalism, he says the best way to master the art of small talk is to pretend whoever you’re talking to is a celebrity.

If Adam Sandler were next to you in line at the grocery store, you would be more engaged in whatever he was saying, even if he was talking about boring stuff like the weather. You would look him in the eye, smile, and ask questions back.

“Closed-ended responses kill conversations, so asking questions is a creative way to keep the conversation flowing. Not only that, but asking questions subtly gets people to like you more. People like talking about themselves, and they certainly like that you are interested enough to learn about them,” Mr. Guarisco said.

Another communication skill people often underestimate is thanking someone when they help you. Thanking someone is simple, but it can make a meaningful impact. When you thank someone for something, it makes them feel like what they did mattered. Feeling valued is a strong driver of positive emotion and connection.

“Thanks for taking the time to explain that.” “I appreciate your concern.” “Thanks for asking.” “Thanks for pointing that out.” “That’s a useful tip; I appreciate that.” “That just made my day; thank you!”

Pointing out something they did well has a similar effect on people as thanking them. It is a signal that makes people feel like they are good at something. For example, instead of telling your coach or teacher, “Got it,” or “OK,” try saying, “No one has ever explained it to me like that. I get it now!”

Manners matter.

In addition to highlighting people’s accomplishments, using someone’s name in conversation makes the interaction feel more personal. People respond positively when hearing their name because it triggers recognition and a sense of importance. This is especially the case if they think you don’t know their name. “That’s a good point, Jacob.” Even throwing one’s name in the middle of a sentence can keep them engaged, and it lets them know that you care about them hearing something, so it drives the connection. “And then, you won’t believe this, Jacob, but out of nowhere, he slammed the door!”

Based on The Decision Lab, small favors will also make people like you without even realizing it. For example, holding the door or sharing a small item activates a small psychological principle called reciprocity. This is a concept that people feel naturally inclined to return the kindness. Asking someone to do you a favor can, ironically, make them like you more, as long as the favor is genuine and not something you could do yourself easily. For instance, asking an acquaintance to help you move a piece of furniture can form a bond.

First impressions are everything. Research suggests people form opinions in the first 7-10 seconds of meeting someone.

Saint Paul’s senior Luca Rodas is a big advocate for first impressions. “Whenever I meet new people, I always focus on making them feel welcome. A welcoming face is one that people will remember, so whether that’s me greeting people with a big smile, fixing my posture, or offering a big handshake, you have to realize that first impressions are what matter most,” Rodas said. All of these factors will subconsciously make someone like you and have more respect for you before they even know you well.

Now, this next communication tip may seem odd; however, asking for help boosts someone’s self-esteem. Phrases like “I could really use your input on this,” or “what would you do in this situation,” make people feel like they give good advice or are good at something, and will appreciate you recognizing that.

Acknowledging effort, not just outcome, will make people feel like you recognize how hard they tried with something when most people just praise them for the result. For instance, “I can tell you really put a lot of thought into that project,” or “you practiced a lot, and it shows,” are both examples of how to acknowledge effort.

On another note, being the first one to apologize shows humility and trust. Admitting when you’re wrong shows the other person that their feelings matter to you and that you genuinely regret your actions. “That’s on me; I handled it poorly, and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Overall, there are hundreds more psychological tricks to subconsciously make people like you more. However, these were just a few major ones that Saint Paul’s students should adopt in their everyday habits.