Tyler’s Post-Season NFL Rant

(photo source: Nike)

Following the New England Patriots’ historic Super Bowl comeback, the 2016-2017 NFL season has now come to an end. The rants, however, have just begun.

Oakland Raiders – This team is an unlucky group of guys. For example, first of all they play for the Oakland Raiders, and their rival is the San Francisco 49ers, which does not make for stiff competition. Most of all, as a team, they finally began the transition to not being a practice team, just to lose Derek Carr and say goodbye to all hopes and dreams in the first round. Worst of all say hello to Las Vegas and having a vacationer fan base.              

New Orleans Saints – I want 2009 back. ALL. I. HAVE. TO. SAY. Oh, and where is Jeremey Shockey?

Cleveland Browns – I blame you for Johnny Manziel. Thank you for ending multiple promising

FILE - In this Nov. 15, 2015, file photo, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel attends a post-game news conference after a 30-9 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers, in Pittsburgh. The Browns have released troublesome quarterback Johnny Manziel. The team cut ties on Friday, March 11, 2016, with the 2012 Heisman Trophy winner after two disappointing, drama-filled seasons. Manziel faces an uncertain future in the NFL and potential criminal charges in Texas following a domestic violence incident. (AP Photo/Don Wright, File)
In this Nov. 15, 2015, file photo, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel responds to a loss. (Browns file photo)

careers, and please take it easy on Deshaun Watson.

LA RAMS – Why? Why did you move? Why did you hire a head coach younger than Lebron James? What happened to Todd Gurley? Why?

Atlanta Falcons – You blew a 3-1 lead. Oops sorry I got mixed up with the Cleveland Indians, Golden State Warriors, and Hillary Clinton. Plus Matt Ryan’s nickname is no longer matty ice, it’s matty nice try. Come again next year.

San Diego Chargers – No. I thought you were different. You’re moving to L.A. so vegan blonde chicks can take selfies in your “pretty’’ colored jerseys.

Chicago Bears – Da Bears. Bring back Ditka so Chicago football could be kinda entertaining again, I guess.

Green Bay Packers – My first reaction to the Falcons V.S. the Packers was why is Tebow on the field I thought he was playing baseball. *balls up in a corner and cries while questioning the big picture of life itself* Aaron Rodgers still wins though, Olivia Munn.

New York Jets – I just want the Jets to have at least one good season, so we can forget about the Mark Sanchez butt fumble and Rex Ryan’s love for feet.

New York Giants – Please, I beg of you as an LSU fan, put OBJ on leash. When will it be the last straw? You almost lost your “star” wide receiver to a kicking net. Also please tell Eli he’ll never be Peyton so retire now.

Pittsburg Steelers – The day I see Big Ben leave the pocket will replace my favorite childhood memories, and I say this comfortably due to the fact that this will never happen. Ben Roethlisberger actually running has the same probability as Antonio Brown playing a game without being fined; at least he can say he’s very charitable.

San Francisco 49’ers – After that amazing season they just had, I think it’s about time to stand for the National Anthem.

Seattle Seahawks– Just one question: how, just how, are the Seahawks always in the playoffs? Actually two questions, how do the Seahawks find a way to remain semi-relevant?

New England Patriots– Let me get one thing straight, yes Tom Brady is a great quarterback one of the best even, BUT HE IS NOT THE G.O.A.T. Put Tom on the New Orleans Saints and when we win another Super Bowl I will hop on the bandwagon, yet I don’t see that happening. And STOP calling him the M.J. of football, just no. Stop it.

Denver Broncos– If this season doesn’t prove Peyton Manning is a legend, I don’t know what does. Super Bowl champs to end up being a struggling team with a quarterback who’s I.D. could barely get him into a bar. The Broncos are a long way from Super Bowl 50.

Carolina Panthers– First of all, I’m pretty sure even Carolina fans hate Cam Newton. If Cams goal was to barely beat the Saints and become one of the most hated quarterbacks in the league, well then congratulations. I mean really the Panthers should be unstoppable, they have Michael Oher and Sandra Bullock.

Jacksonville Jaguars– I kinda forgot the Jaguars were a team, but they have cool jerseys if that helps.

Tennessee Titans– Well Marcus Mariota is out with a broken leg, so say goodbye to any chances of a winning season you already didn’t have.

Cincinnati Bengals– Your quarterback looks like Chester, the Cheetos mascot. All I had to say.

Miami Dolphins– The only thing I can say about the Dolphins is that Saban coached there, which isn’t particularly a good thing. Plus it’s kinda sad that the Dolphins are three hours from Disney World, yet they’ll never get to go.

Dallas Cowboys– How were the playoffs rookies? #RIPROMO

Detroit Lions– Bet you miss Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson, don’t you?

Houston Texans– The Super Bowl is in your hometown and you’re not even, and you lost to the Patriots in the second round? Talk about home field advantage.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers– Get Jameis Winston some crab legs ASAP.

Baltimore Ravens– In order to capture the emotions Baltimore fans feel when hoping for another super win, here is a quote from Edgar Allen Poe “Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”

Arizona Cardinals– Sure, Larry Fitzgerald is good, but please don’t leave it all up to him, he just one man.

Washington Redskins– Thank you for letting go of RG3. But are you really sticking with Kirk Cousins? If so, well that’s none of my business.

Buffalo Bills– Jeez I don’t know where to start or if I even want to. There’s a new head coach and I couldn’t care less.

Philadelphia Eagles– Michael Vick retired so that’s news.

Minnesota Vikings– At least Adrian Peterson’s injury is overshadowing everything else.


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