[satire] Coach Dickens’ Yell Causes Earthquake on Saint Paul’s Campus

On a sunny Wednesday morning at Saint Paul’s, the ground started shaking. In Lasalle Hall, pictures started falling off the walls. A student ruined his science experiment as his beaker fell off the table. In Coach Joe Dickens’ classroom, a class of students stood witness to the greatest yell ever. 

Coach Dickens is known for his booming voice, but on this occasion, Coach Dickens surpassed every expectation previously held for the human voice’s capabilities. He belted a yell so loud that it caused an earthquake that registered a 3.4 on the Richter scale. 

Seismologists across the nation were bewildered by this event. Expert Seismologist Patrick King said, “I have heard all kinds of loud noises from plane engines to concerts, but nothing that could do the damage of Coach Dickens. I have studied any kind of earthquake imaginable. This event is an anomaly that makes me wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat dreaming of the power the human voice holds to do damages beyond comprehension.” No amount of noise had ever caused an earthquake of this magnitude. Even a sold-out Superdome crowd at the greatest Saints game ever would not be able to muster this feat.

In an exclusive interview with The Paper Wolf, Sophomore James Smith described the scene of the “Yell heard ’round the world.” “We were reading Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and when Coach started recreating Marc Antony’s speech avenging Caesar, he almost started going feral. He seemed delirious as he screamed, “Cry ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war” so loudly my eardrums burst, which made me need double ear replacement surgery.” Coach Dickens also gave his side of the story. “I was just reading Julius Caesar as I do with every class, and I felt too much like a bad dude this time reading it and may have gone a little overboard.”

Principal Trevor Watkins announced that Saint Paul’s would remain closed for two weeks to repair the damage to the campus caused by the earthquake.

8+ Free Earthquake & Disaster Vectors

Artist rendition of Saint Paul’s earthquake damage

2 comments

  1. Hysterical! I laughed aloud. Well done. I thoroughly enjoy the satirical pieces, and your timing was apropos because we just did this in class!

    Like

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