(satire) Saint Paul’s School President, Brother Ray, FSC, Found Traveling Through Discreet Tunnels

The long speculated tunnels of Saint Paul’s have now been confirmed to be accurate, as President Brother Ray Bulliard, FSC, was found using these tunnels to quickly move between La Salle Hall and the main school building.

This was confirmed when two students whose identities remain anonymous reported witnessing him in both locations mere seconds apart. Their combined testimony confirms that this long-held urban legend is true.

Knowledge of this news has caused quite an uproar all across the Saint Paul’s community, shaking the minds of students, alumni, parents, and even teachers.

“I think this is a real issue. We have a right to know whether or not there are tunnels beneath the campus! This secrecy is unacceptable,” exclaimed Karen Sepasto, a parent of a Saint Paul’s student.

On the other hand, Saint Paul’s teacher, Maddis Cassius, argued that existence of the tunnel goes far beyond the surface, and the usage of the same should be swept under the rug. “Look, say what you will about these tunnels; we cannot deny that it’s for the greater good. I think we aren’t ready to understand the nuances at play.”

“I think this tunnel business was intentionally leaked to distract from Brother Ken learning the piano from aliens,” reasoned Saint Paul’s pre-freshman, Alexander Jones.

When questioned directly about the tunnels by Saint Paul’s junior journalist, Jacksly Hacksly, all Brother Ray had to say was, “These tunnels, whether they exist or not, should be of little concern to you students. There are far greater matters of which to concern yourselves.”

Mr. Hacksly later reported witnessing a strange man dressed in black with long white hair stalk him. The man eventually approached him while walking to class, saying to him, “Careful now, dear Hacksly. Dive your nose where it doesn’t belong, and not even your memory will remain.”

Neither Hacksly nor this mysterious man have been seen since this incident.

Still, this information leaves us with countless unanswered questions. Who created these tunnels? Where are the entrances? How far do they expand? How do these tunnels work when we are so far beneath sea level?

Is this part of some vicious conspiracy? Or is it simply a mode of transportation? Even with the information we have gained, the grand mystery of Saint Pauls’s tunnels continues to confuse and confound all those who investigate it.


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