[satire] Sgt. Don Pressley Arrested by United States Federal Trade Commission for Vertical Integration Scheme

Saint Paul’s students are lamenting the loss of the beloved “Sarge’s Snack Shack” after Sgt. Don Pressley has come under investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.

It was a shocking scene on campus the day that the FBI and other government agencies raided Sarge’s Snack Shack.

Agents busted down the door of the large supply closet. Cheewees flew across the floor. Candy bars were stuck to the walls from the sheer force used to break through the door. Sarge kicked, screamed, and proclaimed his innocence as he was detained. Many students were bewildered by the raid and wondered what Sarge had done.

However, the agents found what they were looking for behind one of Sarge’s bookcases, and the scope was far beyond even the worst suspicions. “When I moved the first bookcase, I saw a full-fledged factory. I fell to my knees in awe as 10,000 square feet of machinery faced me in what I previously thought was just a small-scale operation,” commented FBI Agent Kentucky Williams.

Under the guise of a manufacturing club, Sarge was able to hide a 200-employee factory to create and package the snacks he sold. Originally, in the FBI evidence gathered through a heat sensory camera, it appeared that only two conveyor belts and four ovens were used to create the snacks. This put him on the map and made him a key suspect for various federal crimes. However, the scale of his factory was unknown to everyone besides the 200 students employed in his factory and the mastermind himself.

A vertical integration scheme is not done without the ownership of the producer of the raw materials necessary for production and distribution. To source the raw materials necessary for the production of chips and candy, Sarge got help from the environmental science class to farm potatoes, corn, sugar cane, and other ingredients needed to make the snacks. Environmental science teacher Wes Lagniappe even had the audacity to defend his inclusion in the conspiracy: “The students learned an immeasurable amount of hands-on skills through farming. In fact, our best student, Jack Mayne, was able to grow a piece of sugar cane that was 33.78 feet tall.”

Assistant to the secretary of the United States Federal Trade Commission Frederick Carnegie was proud of the American justice system for finally cracking down on Sarge. “Teddy Roosevelt is gleaming with pride knowing that one more monopoly has been toppled.”

However, Sarge’s Snack Shack may be back sooner than we think. Students are enlisting in the military in droves in hopes of reaching the rank of sergeant and returning to Saint Paul’s to be the next Sarge.

The threat begs the question many U.S. agencies are asking (and now investigating): how deep does Sarge’s scheme really go?


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s