by Ross Allbritton and Thomas Huval

[Click on the video to see more of the interview.]

Coach and Science Teacher James Robertson is one of the many animated characters that make up the St. Paul’s School faculty. The Paper Wolf recently sat down with Coach Rob, as he’s known around campus, and his infamous pet bird, Jim, for a tell-all Q & A session.

Q. Thomas: Coach, here at St. Paul’s, we have a controversy with the Pepsi vs. Coke situation, because everybody knows that Coke is better. But for some reason, our school insists on getting Pepsi. We were wondering what your opinion on that is. What’s the deal with Pepsi over Coke?

A: We drink Pepsi because the Pepsi cola company has given us a great many things and because of that, we are loyal to them. And by that, I mean scoreboards, computers, different things. So, they’ve been pretty generous to us, so that’s a big part of it.

Q. Ross: Now Coach, pancakes or waffles?

A: I’m a pancake man myself.

QT: Fries or tots?

A: Definitely fries. Gotta go with french fries myself, you know what I sayin’?

QR: Here at St. Paul’s, you are the shining leader of the Wolves of Fury [ping pong club]. What has been your most prestigeous moment as said leader?

A: Uh, I won a ping pong game last year!

QT: Against whom?

A:  I can’t remember. Musta been someone who couldn’t play very well, right? That was my shining moment, really.

QT: Are you a cat person or a dog person?

A: Definitely dog. I have a dog. His name is Caesar Dogustus. Oh, he’s a very very intelligent dog. He sits when I tell him to sit, much quicker than my students actually sit. When I tell my students and my dog to sit, the dog is much quicker at sitting when he’s supposed to. I do have a cat. The cat pays no attention to me whatsoever. So, I’m not that much of a cat person, I suppose.

QR: So who is your favorite pet and why?

A: Who, what what? I guess, hmmmm favorite pet of all time? I would say, we had a dog named Phantom. And, he was my favorite pet because he was such a sweet, loving dog. He showed up one day, like a phantom, out of nowhere. He adopted us and we called him “Phantom” because he just appeared.

QT: And, I was wondering where Jim ranked on your scale of pets.

A: Jim pretty high. He’s a pretty good bird. He’s a pretty good bird. Very good bird. He has a couple of faults. He gives wrong answers on the test. Lot o’ times he’ll start chirping out (in bird voice) “A! B! C! A! C! Squak!” Ya know. And, students copy those answers down and miss things and the bird’s playing with their mind. Yep.

QR: So Coach, what’s your favorite boy band of all time?

A: Favorite boy band? Boy band? Huh! I like the Beach Boys! Yeah! Beach boys! I like da Beach Boys!

QT: Who’s your favorite singer of all time?

A: [begins singing tune] Nat King Cole. Yea, I like him. Yea, especially Christmas songs.

QR: iPhone or Droid?

A: Uh, how ’bout the phone that I got: my dinosaur [pulls out Samsung flip phone]. See, I’m not in the loop enough to know the iPhone from the Droid. Hey, I’m a deer with no eyes. I got no idear. So we’ll go with the dinosaur phone.

QT: What is your favorite book?

A: Favorite book of all time… just for pleasure, enjoyment of reading… J.A. . . J.R.R. Tolkein’s “Lord of the Rings.”

QT: Have you ever been arrested?

A: Ummmm arressted? Uh… No, but, uh, a policeman who stopped me in Mississippi came close. He told me I had crossed the yellow line and I was breakin’ the law in Mississippi. I don’t say I was arrested. I was taken to the jailhouse and posted a bond, which meant I had to pay a fee ahead of time, since I was outta state. Dey didn’t trust me to come back. I guess that’s kinda close to being arrested. I crossed a yellow line in Mississippi, which he explained to me is against the law!

QR: Have you ever arrested someone?

A: Uh, no. I mean, I’m not law enforcement.

QT: What’s your favorite color?

A: Blue! By all means blue! Skipper blue! Wait, uh, no not skipper blue. Wolf blue! But not Jesuit blue. Nah, eh uh, nope. Jerry blue, nuh eh aaaaahhhh.

QT: How does Mandeville High [former place of employment] compare to St. Paul’s?

A: Mandeville High is a great school. . . but it’s not as good as St. Paul’s. St. Paul’s gives our boys something that Mandeville High will never give them and we’re talkin Five Core Principles, we’re talkin Men of God, we’re talkin men who leave with confidence. Mandeville High gave a great education, but they didn’t fill in those other blanks that St. Paul’s does. Character being one of the biggest ones.

QR: Can you tell us a little bit about your wife?

A: You mean when I said she weighs 550 pounds, has a glass eye, a peg leg, wears a wig, has a scar on her face, and the dog bit off her left ear? The only thing I can say about my wife is that she’s cute. A cute 500 pounds. And I might’ve exaggerated a couple of the other traits.

QR: When you look into her glass eye, what do you see?

A: Uh… Space. The Final Frontier.

QR: What are your thoughts on Coach Sears’ smile?

A: Hmmmm. I think he’s smiling all the time… on the inside. He’s a great fella and he’s happy, and he’s smiling all the time, but it’s on the inside.

QT: Someone walks into your office and gives you a million dollars to launch your best entrepreneurial idea. What is your idea?

A: Hmmmmm. What would my idea be? I would make a new… My idea would be something that actually kills and gets rid of fire ants!

QR: What is the biggest mishap that has ever happened in your class/lab?

A: Well, we had the time in the lab when somebody stuck the light bulb into the socket and blew…was that your class? Yep, that was your class (looking at Ross). That was your class and we got a big puhmp! outta that. That was interesting. No one got electrocuted, thank the Lord. And we had another time when someone decides to take a shower in the emergency shower…that was your class too? (looking at Ross) And, both of those individuals got severely punished for that. But, for a severe mishap or someone was damaged or injured, thank the Lord, I can say that I have never had a severe mishap like that before. And from all this, we can say Ross’ class was “experimental.” And their experiments just didn’t always work.

QR: On a drive-up ATM, they have braille dots put on. Why do you think they do that?

A: Because a blind man might walk up to the window and get money out of the window without being in a car. Let’s hope he’s not in a car. Because if a blind man drives up to an ATM window to use the braille, we got a problem. So, I think they do that just in case a person who has impaired vision walks up to the ATM machine, or maybe even gets a ride to one of the ATM machines from one of his neighbors.

QT: If you were to die tonight, how would you spend your final hours?

A: Probably, I have one hour left, I would probably call all my kids.

QR: So what song best describes your work ethic?

A: (singing) Does your chewgum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? Can you toss it on your tonsils? Can you catch it left and right? Does your chewgum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? I think that probably describes my work ethic.

QT: What are the origins of the pink golf ball story?

A: Uh deer with no eyes…. I got no idear. Can’t remember.

QR: So Coach, where do you get all your joke material?

A: Well, I’ve been collectin them since I got off of Noah’s Ark. And Moses helped me wit some of them and I been around for a while, so I just heard a bunch of stuff over a lotta years. That’s what happened. So you kinda collect em, you know what I’m sayin, from different sources.

QT: Alright. Last question. Where and for how much can we buy a radio?

A: Well, I’ll tell you. I can getcha a good radio for ten dollars. I got a VCR the other day, for my classroom, from Goodwill for $12.99. I got it right over there. Twelve dollars and ninety-nine cents. Betcha you can get a good radio for ten dollars. Better den an iPhone. You don’t even have to look at it. Just listen to it. Just listen to it, don’t even have ta look.