Secret Bathroom On Campus: What Are They Not Telling Us?

The mysteries of the secret powder room are soon to be revealed. (Photo: Nick Ashton)

The mysteries of the secret powder room are soon to be revealed. (Photo: Nick Ashton)

Room L104, affectionately known by none as the “powder room,” is a bathroom in the main school building on St. Paul’s School campus that is sometimes unlocked and sometimes locked. This mysterious trend has been documented by reporters, and the secrets are about to be uncovered.

“I seriously think you’ve been going into the women’s bathroom,” said junior Ethan Molitor, noting the fact that the faculty womens’ bathroom is back-to-back with L104. L104, however, is only accessible from outside the building.

According to school President Bro. Ray Bulliard, FSC, “The opening and closing of the bathroom is closely correlated to the tidal movements. We have all of the tide tables, and when it’s low tide, we close the bathroom. When it’s high tide, we open the bathroom.”

Why would there be a need to open and close it at changing times, however? Assistant Principal Joe Dickens explained, “When it’s locked, we use it to store the noxious odors that we release onto the football field. We’re convinced that the heat from the field and the noxious odors that we release have helped the football team to be successful over the years and helped our cross country team win the state championship last year. If you can overcome the smells on the track and the football field after school, you can overcome anything.”

Band director Andrew Moran, however, had inside news to spill.

“You know why it’s locked sometimes? It’s a genetic engineering lab where we create genius students like George Cazenavette.”

Moran delved deeper into this, pointing to a filing cabinet to illustrate how the powder room works.

“If this is the main school building up here (pointing to the top of the cabinet and then the drawers), these are all of the different levels below. You know like in the movie ‘Resident Evil,’ with the mansion on top, and the vast complex below? That’s where they get the ideas for that stuff: our secret bathroom,” said Moran. “There’s a reason you hear about kids ‘leaving to go to Mandeville’ or ‘going to Covington’. They got too close to revealing our secrets.”

In the wake of senior Ryan Keller’s recent perfect ACT score, the evidence is becoming irrefutable.

One thing, however, is sure. When high tide comes near, the world will be watching.

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