Due to low enrollment for the 2014-2015 school year, St. Paul’s will be accepting females into the school program in efforts to bump up enrollment numbers. The school will allow girls entering the 8th grade to apply to SPS the same as male students.
As many would expect, current SPS students have mixed feelings about this completely new change in the school program.
“Well, girls are gross,” said junior Kole Gorney. “I just hope they give us boys our space and don’t get in our way, because I am very, very, very misogynistic.”
On the other hand, some students are looking forward to the new presence of females on the campus.
“Some of them look and smell nice,” said junior Chris Rogers.
Girls attending St. Paul’s will have to follow all current school policies, including, but not limited to, wearing school uniform of khaki pants and blue SPS shirt or dress shirt and uniform tie, having their hair cut above their ears and eyebrows, and having a clean-shaven face at all times.
SPS will also be making changes to a number of school traditions and curricula, including changing “Rise up, O Men of God” to “Rise up, O People of God;” adding classes including Home Economics and Basket Weaving; adding sports and extracurricular actives including softball, volleyball, and the Animal Appreciation Club; converting half of the boys restrooms to girls restrooms by changing the urinals into flower pots; and adding the color pink to the school colors.
Oh, and also…
APRIL FOOLS! SPS enrollment is actually going up, the school will remain the Catholic boys school that it has been for over 100 years, and Kole Gorney really does like girls and is not a misogynist (but was in on the gag).