*Cry Wolf Satirical News* by guest writer, Carson Caulfield.
(COVINGTON, LA) The St. Paul’s Soccer program has reportedly purchased a lawn chair for senior goalie Kyle Schmitt. According to sources close to the team, the lawn chair will give Schmitt the distinct advantage of sitting down and doing nothing for 80 minutes, as opposed to standing up and doing nothing for 80 minutes.
Schmitt says the Wolves stingy defense, which has only allowed one goal all season, has made his goalkeeping job “immensely, insufferably boring.”
“It’s getting ridiculous,” Schmitt said. “In a game last week, I left fifteen minutes into the game to get a burrito. No one noticed I was gone. Like, not even my mom.”
Wolves head Coach Sean Moser finally made the decision to invest in a lawn chair after Schmitt fell asleep standing up for the 17th time this season last week.
“It’s something that our program has needed for quite some time now,” Moser said. “We wanted to get it before the season started, but we used all of our program’s money to pay for plane rides to Florida, California, Argentina, the Bahamas, and Tokyo.”
The sole goal scored on Schmitt this season has reportedly not affected the confidence of Schmitt or the rest of the SPS soccer program.
“Yeah, that goal against us last week really didn’t count,” said senior defender Mason Robicheaux. “Four of our starters got red-carded for snapchatting during the game, so (Schmitt) was kinda overwhelmed. Also, I’m pretty sure Kyle was doing his calculus homework that entire game.”
Moser plans to continue to allow Schmitt to use the lawn chair over the next few weeks; however, he plans to take it away when playoffs come around.
“I’m not going to allow one of my players to sit in an old, rusty lawn chair during the playoffs,” said Moser. “I mean, come on now. We are going for our fifth consecutive championship this year. We have to look legit. I was thinking, maybe, a nice lounge chair, or maybe a futon.”
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