[satire] New Study Proves that Saint Paul’s School is Superior to Jesuit High School in Every Conceivable Way

Harvard is renowned as one of the leading research universities globally, with studies ranging from molecular biology to comparing Louisiana Catholic high schools. The Harvard Journal of Louisiana High School Evaluation recently released a new peer-reviewed, triple-blind study comparing the schools of Saint Paul’s and Jesuit. The data was compiled over years of extensive research and observation of the two schools and their respective communities. The school of Brother Martin was used as a control to see whether Saint Paul’s or Jesuit was producing uncanny results. The study has finally reached its anticipated conclusion. In the direct words of Harvard Researcher Cornelius Chesterton, Ph.D., “Our research came to a conclusion that Saint Paul’s School is clearly superior to Jesuit high school, and Saint Paul’s blows away any school we have researched before. This study was also the most accurate study Harvard has ever performed, and there is no chance this is wrong.”


The study contained many different measures of the schools. Some of the most notable measures of school superiority are the percent of students that exhibit “good hygiene,” percent of students that believe their uniform is “stylish,” Louisiana soccer state championships in the past ten years, and National Blue Ribbon awards in the past 25 years. Saint Paul’s reigned victorious in all of the categories measured and is the clear-cut school of choice for a Catholic boy in the Greater New Orleans area.


The news of this study struck the members of the respective school communities in many different ways. Some of the Jesuit parents were utterly outraged by the study. When questioned on his opinion of the study, Jesuit Dad Robert “Apple Juice” Jackson said, “This study is a travesty of a mockery of a sham! I cannot believe that I have been driving AJ Jr. across the causeway every morning for the past two years when I could have gotten a better, Lasallian education in my backyard of Covington instead of that school on Banks Street.” As you would have expected, there was an opposite reaction from Saint Paul’s parents; many Saint Paul’s parents ran to social media to proclaim their love of the school they send their sons to. “I LOVE SAINT PAUL’S WE ARE BEST SCHOOL IN THE NATION” was exclaimed on Facebook by one excited parent. Coach Dickens’ roar of triumph could be heard for miles when he first read the study.


For many years, Saint Paul’s and Jesuit students have proclaimed themselves as the better school, but it has been scientifically proven that Saint Paul’s is clearly the better school.

Graph of the four notable measures of school superiority

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