[satire] Saint Paul’s Football Forced to Forfeit Game due to Lack of Searses

The Saint Paul’s Wolves were scheduled to play against LSU’s scout team on September 2nd. However, the Wolves were forced to forfeit after violating the LHSAA Handbook, with Coach Kenny Sears III needing to miss the game as he had the flu.

Section 3, subsection 22 of the LHSAA Handbook states, “It is necessary that the Saint Paul’s Wolves must have at least two members of the Sears bloodline present on the field at all times to participate in LHSAA sanctioned football”(LHSAA 3,22).

There has been an uproar of anger from the Saint Paul’s community after finding out about the LHSAA Handbook’s rule pertaining to the Wolves. “Holding the Wolves to this standard is completely unfair! LSU’s scout team stood no chance to the might of the Wolves! I will no longer tailgate at my son Jawhn’s high school football games!” says one frustrated Saint Paul’s fan on Facebook.
There was a last-minute push by the Saint Paul’s community for the LHSAA to provide a notable exception to the Wolves on this occasion as this was the first year without three Sears’ in the Saint Paul’s football program since 2018. The LHSAA however did not budge as they released a statement. “Saint Paul’s has known about this rule since the inaugural Saint Paul’s football season in 1911. We hold no mercy in the enforcement of our Handbook.”

Coach Kenny Sears III has been taking a lot of blame for being sick and causing this whole situation. “I’m really feeling the heat from my dad to find a wife and have children so this does not happen again. I’M ONLY 25!”

An anonymous student reports he “saw Coach Francis with a professional makeup team applying prosthetics to him in an attempt to look like a member of the Sears family.”

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