My Sad Quest for the Cool Ranch Dorito Taco
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Taco Bell’s new Cool Ranch Dorito Taco is here! The commercials are everywhere. As an American, I think it is my duty to try this taco. It’s lunchtime. The time is past noon. My bed is still occupied. By me.

I wake up in a stained shirt from last night and my undies. I throw on some of my 8th grade St. Paul’s gym shorts and shoot my dirty shirt into my hamper like Ray Allen on a technical. I go downstairs to my get keys. I go upstairs to get my keys because, of course, I put them by the sink. I’m so forgetful. Open my door and leave, forgetting to lock it.  Crank my car. It’s closer to death than America’s sweetheart, Betty White. On my way to the fine establishment that I delightfully nickname “TB,” I catch every single red light on 190. The anticipation for the taco is killing my insides. My stomach is crying for revolution and has taken control of my brain.

Finally, I arrive. Drive-Thru is my preferred action at TB. Of course, the elderly woman in front of me delays me. She is incapable of looking at the pictures on the menu. She asks the obviously frustrated worker what is on every single item. She asks multiple times, “What is on that Nacho Bell Grroonndd?” Finally, she pulls up. I confidently order one regular and one supreme Cool Ranch Dorito Taco. “I am such a professional,” I say out loud to myself. I pay at the second window and get my FIRE sauce packets. My stomach tells me to pull into the TB parking lot to enjoy the tacos. I oblige. I dig into the Cool Ranch Dorito Tacos. They taste like a regular crunchy taco……


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