Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.) To make up for school days in which St. Paul’s School was closed due to events like Hurricane Gordon or the Christian Brothers 100th anniversary holiday, Principal Trevor Watkins has instituted a new 36 block schedule effective immediately.

“Starting tomorrow and continuing until our school gets back on track, each school day will consist of 36 classes, each 11 minutes long.” Principal Watkins announced Thursday.

The 36 block schedule, which will start on Friday with ABCDEFGABCDEFGABCDEFGABCDEFGABCDEFGA, has inevitably precipitated other changes to the St. Paul’s school day.

“All students will now have 30 seconds to change classes,” Watkins said, “Using the bathroom? Over. Going to Sarge? Good-bye. Walking at a normal pace to your next class? See ya. If you don’t run –I don’t mean jog, I mean run– at a 6:30 mile pace to your next class, then you’re gonna be late and will have to get a note.”

When asked if having the entire student body run at high speeds in varying directions across campus 35 times a day could pose a safety hazard, Watkins appeared unconcerned.

“So what if some 8th graders are trampled; they will be but a small sacrifice to pay to get our classes all caught up,” Watkins said coldly. “We’ve missed three full days of school this year already. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Watkins also stated that other “non-academic and utterly meaningless” parts of the day have been shortened or eliminated completely.

“Have you heard of lunch? Yeah, that’s over,” Watkins said, adding that if students wanted nourishment, they would have to figure out how to absorb food from the sun like a plant. “If you wanted time to break and eat then you shouldn’t have been so ecstatic when that poor excuse of a storm (Hurricane Gordon) rolled in and denied us two days of precious class time.”

“Additionally, announcements will now be done in 10 seconds,” Watkins said. “We will have Coach Sears record the morning and afternoon announcements at home beforehand. Then, we will speed them up to 15x their normal speed, afterwards playing them over Wolf TV.”

In response to multiple teachers who have shared concerns that 11 minutes is not long enough to teach class, Watkins added bluntly:

“If you can’t teach a full class lesson in 660 seconds, then I’m sorry but you are not a true Lasallian educator.”

Many students have been critical of the new schedule.

“I think the worst part of it will be having to do 36 classes worth of homework every night,” junior Terez Montero griped. “That’s really gonna put a damper on my Tuesday.”

At press time, The St. Tammany Parish Public School System announced it was cancelling school for all of next week due to some slightly dark clouds, much to Principal Watkins horror and disdain.