[satire] CRY WOLF: Pampered SPS Students Can’t Believe They Only Have Two Day Weekend

Cry Wolf Satirical News

Note: St. Paul’s School has had an unusual number of school days cancelled this school  year due to an assortment of factors, such as hurricanes and school holidays. These days off have resulted in many extended weekends where students have Friday or Monday off.


(COVINGTON, La.) According to multiple incredulous sources, the St. Paul’s student body cannot believe they only have a mere two days off of school for the weekend.

“You’re telling me we only have Saturday and Sunday off?” Junior Terrence Wilson said while angrily cancelling all day plans he made for Friday and Monday, since he believed St. Paul’s would have those days off for one reason or another. “This is an outrage. An abomination. An atrocity. Some other word Brother Ray would be proud of me for using.”

Due to numerous school day cancellations because of things like severe weather, national holidays, and St. Paul’s holidays, students have grown accustomed to weekends lasting longer than two days.
“You can’t give us numerous extended weekends and then just mercilessly rip them away,” freshman Raymond Pierce said. “It’s inhumane.”

“Once a man has tasted the splendor of three, four, and even five day weekends, no longer may he lower himself to the peasantly squalor of a two day weekend,” senior Cornelius Randle said, adding that the thought of going to school for a full five days in a row is “utterly unimaginable.”

Numerous parents told reporters they are happy with the school’s reversion to a two day weekend system.

“I hated those extended weekends,” SPS mom Tiffany Wine said. “I’d wake up on a Friday and my kid would actually be at the house. I’d have to, like, talk to him and make him lunch and stuff. It was terrible.”

“Two day weekends are best. I should only have to see my kid in the middle of the day twice week, maximum.” she added.

At press time, St. Paul’s students rejoiced as news broke that St. Paul’s would be closed Monday, October 22, in observance of National Eat a Pretzel Day.

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