[satire] CRY WOLF: Satirical News Writer Runs Out of Ideas Just in Time for Graduation

A distressed Healy struggles to think of something to write before he graduates. (photo by Dunbar Healy)

Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.) — Hyde Healy, the creator and writer of the beloved, highly-respected satirical news column Cry Wolf (which Brother Ray Bulliard once called “the best thing to happen to St. Paul’s since Brother Ken”), has announced he has completely run out of ideas just in time for his high school graduation, which is today (May 18) at 4 p.m.

Cry Wolf readers told reporters they have noticed a marked difference in the column over the past several months.

“Yeah, you could really tell he’s been scraping the bottom of the barrel this past semester,” one Cry Wolf reader said. “I mean he didn’t publish an article for over a month, and then when he finally did it was something about a statue of Sean Moser being built? I mean, what even was that?”

“I knew he really had nothing when he wrote yet another article about Trevor Watkins,” another reader commented.

Healy’s father, Dunbar Healy, says his son “forgot how to be funny.”

“I snuck a peek at his ideas notebook, and all it said was ‘Coach Dickens angry?’ and ‘something about vape’,” Dunbar sighed.

A deflated Healy bangs his head against his keyboard in frustration. (photo by Dunbar Healy)

When reached for comment concerning the end of his high school writings, Healy said:

“Writing this column has been the most enjoyable thing I’ve done in my high school career, and I am truly grateful that I was not only allowed to do it but that I was given so much support while doing it.”

Despite not being asked for further comment, Healy continued droning on to reporters.

“I would like to thank the St. Paul’s School administration for allowing me to slander their good name from time to time, Christi Simoneaux and the entire Paper Wolf staff for allowing me to start writing this column for The Paper Wolf back when I was a sophomore, and my dad for being my number one fan and actually coming up with the name ‘Cry Wolf’,” an emotional Healy said. “I would also like to apologize to Principal Trevor Watkins. Out of the 39 articles I wrote, four were directly about him. That being said, if I could do it again I would probably write more articles about him as they seemed to be the most popular.”

And just when reporters thought he was finished, he somehow kept speaking.

“But most of all I would like to thank my readers,” Healy said. “If you have ever read, shared, complimented me on, or simply told someone about my articles, I sincerely thank you so much. The support I received from readers like you is what made me write as many articles as I did.”

At press time, Healy was seen sitting at St. John’s Coffeehouse in downtown Covington bragging to an uninterested stranger about how “popular and highly-revered” his “biting social commentary” was back in high school.

, , ,

3 Comments on “[satire] CRY WOLF: Satirical News Writer Runs Out of Ideas Just in Time for Graduation”

  1. Dart
    May 18, 2019 at 6:48 pm #

    You will be missed.

    Like

  2. Joseph Dickens
    May 19, 2019 at 7:57 am #

    I enjoyed this immensely over the years. My favorite is still the one about the recruit set to Kenny G music. If you do some type of satire in college, please share with us. Coach.

    Like

  3. Mary Kay Holmes
    May 21, 2019 at 12:36 pm #

    I truly enjoyed all of your Cry Wolf columns. This though is my favorite. I so enjoy the photos too. Great going in college. Perhaps you can write a dispatch or two from there back to SPS!

    Like

Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: