Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.) — Hyde Healy, the creator and writer of the beloved, highly-respected satirical news column Cry Wolf (which Brother Ray Bulliard once called “the best thing to happen to St. Paul’s since Brother Ken”), has announced he has completely run out of ideas just in time for his high school graduation, which is today (May 18) at 4 p.m.

Cry Wolf readers told reporters they have noticed a marked difference in the column over the past several months.

“Yeah, you could really tell he’s been scraping the bottom of the barrel this past semester,” one Cry Wolf reader said. “I mean he didn’t publish an article for over a month, and then when he finally did it was something about a statue of Sean Moser being built? I mean, what even was that?”

“I knew he really had nothing when he wrote yet another article about Trevor Watkins,” another reader commented.

Healy’s father, Dunbar Healy, says his son “forgot how to be funny.”

“I snuck a peek at his ideas notebook, and all it said was ‘Coach Dickens angry?’ and ‘something about vape’,” Dunbar sighed.

When reached for comment concerning the end of his high school writings, Healy said:

“Writing this column has been the most enjoyable thing I’ve done in my high school career, and I am truly grateful that I was not only allowed to do it but that I was given so much support while doing it.”

Despite not being asked for further comment, Healy continued droning on to reporters.

“I would like to thank the St. Paul’s School administration for allowing me to slander their good name from time to time, Christi Simoneaux and the entire Paper Wolf staff for allowing me to start writing this column for The Paper Wolf back when I was a sophomore, and my dad for being my number one fan and actually coming up with the name ‘Cry Wolf’,” an emotional Healy said. “I would also like to apologize to Principal Trevor Watkins. Out of the 39 articles I wrote, four were directly about him. That being said, if I could do it again I would probably write more articles about him as they seemed to be the most popular.”

And just when reporters thought he was finished, he somehow kept speaking.

“But most of all I would like to thank my readers,” Healy said. “If you have ever read, shared, complimented me on, or simply told someone about my articles, I sincerely thank you so much. The support I received from readers like you is what made me write as many articles as I did.”

At press time, Healy was seen sitting at St. John’s Coffeehouse in downtown Covington bragging to an uninterested stranger about how “popular and highly-revered” his “biting social commentary” was back in high school.