Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.) — A student rescued a man from a burning building for the sole purpose of putting it on his high school resume, sources confirmed Monday. The student, St. Paul’s junior Miles Shaw, was reportedly walking down 12th Avenue when he smelled smoke and heard commotion coming from a nearby apartment complex.

“Right when I saw the burning building, my heart stopped,” Shaw said. “I knew I had stumbled upon a great opportunity.”

Upon learning of the man, Joe Wilson, trapped inside the building, Shaw surveyed the scene and quickly sprang into action.

“As soon as I saw just how far the flames had spread,” Shaw said, “I knew I didn’t have much time to save my chances of getting into an Ivy League school.”

Shaw, with no concern for his own life, but complete concern for his future college admission chances, ran into the fireball of a building, witnesses say.

“It was pretty crazy,” a bystander said. “He just sprinted in shouting something about how a strong resume is just as important to college admissions officers as GPA and standardized test scores.”

Shaw quickly found the helpless man, who was injured and trapped in a second-floor bedroom. He heroically put the man on his shoulders and made for the exit, all the while noting to himself how having “saved a man from a fiery death in a blazing inferno” on his resume would definitely set him apart from other college applicants.

When asked if the sheer magnitude of the flames engulfing the building ever caused him to consider giving up, Shaw said:

“Absolutely not. There was no way I could leave that stellar addition to my college application behind.”

Shaw’s parents were quick to praise his courageous and heroic actions.

“We are just so proud of Miles,” Shaw’s father said. “He had the courage and selflessness to risk his own life for his future educational endeavors, and also save Jack or John or whatever that guy’s name was.”

At press time, Shaw was seen late at night strolling around the back alleys of the French Quarter with wads of cash sticking out of his pockets, apparently looking for a near-death experience about which he could write a college essay.

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Editor’s note: Cry Wolf is satirical news intended to take a humorous look at St. Paul’s life. For more on this new entertainment segment of The Paper Wolf, read this story.