[Cry Wolf Satirical News]
(WHOLE FOODS – MANDEVILLE, La.) Buzzing about what a great lifestyle change it was, a health-conscious mosquito has started only biting gluten-free people, sources confirmed Wednesday (April 19). Following a recently popular fad in the mosquito community, the winged insect has reportedly started only biting and sucking the blood exclusively of humans who are gluten-free.
“I’m really glad I made this change,” said the mosquito, noting how much better she’s feeling since cutting “those awful toxins” out of her life. “It’s a lifestyle I advocate for all mosquitoes.”
The parasite has reported many positive benefits that have come with the change to only feast upon gluten-free individuals.
“I just have so much more energy since making this switch. Before, I was constantly tired. I’d fly around sluggishly, and I’d barely have enough energy to annoyingly buzz in people’s ears,” the mosquito said. “But now I feel great. I’m flying around and transmitting diseases like I never have before.”
When asked why she suddenly decided to make this major life change, the mosquito said, “For many days of my life, I wasn’t eating right. I would just bite into any person that seemed good, without even checking to see what I was putting in my body,” the mosquito said, “but now I’m almost three weeks old, and I’m not getting any younger. I know I needed to make this change.”
Friends of the mosquito have said she has been acting different ever since she went gluten-free.
“She’s honestly kind of a stickler now,” said one of the mosquito’s friends. “She thinks just because she doesn’t bite people who eat gluten that she’s all high and mighty.”
The mosquito’s friends have even said her diet is starting to impact their lives.
“We’ll all be hungry, and we’ll decide to all eat at a guy napping on a park bench,” said another friend, “but she (the gluten free mosquito) will be all like, ‘Um, I think that guy might have gluten in him.’ And she’ll make us fly like two miles to some hipster cafe and drink their ‘pure and untainted’ blood. It really is annoying.”
At press time, the mosquito was reportedly telling some uninterested ants that they should seriously consider only eating the crumbs of FDA certified non-GMO foods.