[Cry Wolf Satirical News]

(COVINGTON, La.) The Louisiana Department of Transportation and Development (DOTD) has announced a new 17-year construction project to widen a section of Louisiana Highway 21 in Covington to 14 lanes, according to multiple sources. The project, which will widen the section of LA 21 from Bootlegger Road to 11th Avenue, is slated to begin construction immediately.

This construction announcement comes just one day after the completion of a three-year project widening the same section to four lanes was met with relief and celebration from residents of the northshore, especially St. Paul’s students and parents.

“After careful analysis, we have concluded that four lanes is no longer suitable to accommodate the ever increasing traffic of Covington,” the DOTD website said, referring to the four-lane highway that has been in use for a little over 24 hours. “Our new project, which will be completed sometime in 2034, will greatly benefit the kids and grandkids of the citizens of Covington.”

The project, named Convenience of Motorists Everywhere and Obviously Necessary, COME ON for short, has been called “the absolute worst thing ever” by some and “the final push I needed to leave this town” by others.

“I drive through that prison of cones every day for the last three years,” Diane Polk said, a St. Paul’s mom, “and the highway isn’t even finished for a day before they drop this on us. What type of cruel, merciless Department of Transportation and Development does something like this?”

“No. This isn’t happening,” a visibly shaking Kathleen Brown, another SPS mom, said. “No no no. You’re not real. None of this is real. This is just a bad dream.”

While many have criticized COME ON, the LA DOTD has been quick to defend it.

“I understand why some people are upset,” Richard Matthews, a spokesperson for the LA DOTD, said,“but these next 17 years are just gonna fly by, and before you know it you’ll have seven different, completely necessary lanes to choose from on your daily commute.”

At press time, the DOTD announced that unforeseen complications have already delayed the completion date of COME ON four additional years.