Cry Wolf satirical news (Guest Columnist).

(FALL RIVER, Ma.) Witherson University, a college in the prestigious and highly selective IV league, is giving their admissions process a complete overhaul. Changes to the application schedule, admissions requirements, and selection methodology will make the application process easier for many students, according to admissions director Samina Vazquez.

“We receive 6.02 x 10²³ applications each year,” Vazquez said, “but we only accept 400 students. Our number one goal is a good admissions experience for expected students, and we’ve met this demand while also maintaining a high level of selectivity. In the past, we’ve practiced holistic admissions, which required students who want to have any chance of getting accepted to not only have perfect GPAs and ACT scores, but also to be the president of every club at their school, start their own business, and spend all their free time doing service. That simply isn’t selective enough anymore, though. We just have too many qualified applicants.”

This year, the college will be employing what Vazquez referred to with a maniacal laugh as “Comprehensive Admissions.” In addition to the requirements of holistic admissions, this new standard will evaluate not only the student’s accomplishments but their agility. Every applicant will be required to run through an “American Ninja Warrior” style obstacle course, which will be augmented by Witherson’s ROTC cadets acting as adversaries, complete with live ammunition.

“The obstacle course… I’m not sure I want to talk about that,” said incoming freshmen Darnell Kim through tear-filled eyes. “Those ROTC guys were everywhere; if they caught you over the piranha pit, you were toast. My twin brother Marty just wasn’t fast enough.”

This physical test will be balanced out by an examination of applicants’ psyches.

“Prospective students will have to submit a dream journal along with their 12-page supplemental essay,” Vazquez said. “We’re looking for any students exhibiting prophetic dreams. If you want to get into Witherson, you’re going to need frequent premonitions.”

Additionally, thanks to a lucrative research partnership with the National Security Agency, the college will view your entire internet search history, even when you are in incognito mode. This, along with Witherson admissions counselors randomly observing you through your computer’s webcam, will allow a more complete picture of the student to be taken into consideration.

Student background is very important to your chances of admittance.

“If you aren’t both a first-generation college student and a legacy at Witherson, you’re just not going to get accepted,” Vazquez said.

Despite the emphasis on well-rounded students, test scores will take some consideration. This year, in addition to requiring SAT subject tests in classes you haven’t taken yet, Witherson will be debuting the SCAT (Soul-Crushing Aptitude Test). This test, which is created by collecting the hardest questions from all of the AP tests and putting them together, will require students to answer 55 questions in only 12 minutes. College Board is currently charging a $1,100 registration fee, with a cost of $240 to send scores.

This new approach to college admissions will be augmented by a new application schedule. After the Nov. 1 deadline of Early Decision, which required students to commit to Witherson, was met with backlash, the Early Early Decision (EED) timeline was announced. This admissions option, which will have its deadline in the third trimester of a potential student’s gestation (by which time they should have declared a major), will go further to ensure students who apply are actually interested in Witherson by requiring them to pay tuition regardless of acceptance, and to be sold to Somali pirates if they are denied.

“I know it seems harsh, but we get so many applicants each year that we have to narrow it down. I don’t know why so many people apply to our school,” Vazquez said as she sent a mass-email campus tour invitation to every high school student in the country.

For more information, email admissions@witherson.edu, but they won’t send a reply.