CRY WOLF: Watkins Seen Frantically Blow Drying Roads Around SPS in Attempt to Keep School Open [satire]

Cry Wolf Satirical News

Principal Trevor Watkins uses a blow dryer to heat the school entrance on Wednesday, Jan. 17, in a desperate attempt to avoid closing school for a second consecutive day due to snow and ice from Winter Storm Inga. (Image credit: Hyde Healy)

(COVINGTON, La.)  St. Paul’s School Principal Trevor Watkins has reportedly been spotted frantically blow drying the roads around SPS. Utilizing a long series of extension cords, Watkins was seen today (Jan. 17) attempting to melt all of the ice from the roads in an apparent attempt to ensure St. Paul’s School would not have to close for a second consecutive day due to snow and ice from Winter Storm Inga.

“School must go on!” Watkins mumbled crazily to himself as he wielded his wife’s Conair Infiniti Pro 3Q Hair Dryer. “It will go on! Ahahaha!”

“School will happen tomorrow. And everyone will be wearing their belts and ID’s and have their shirts tucked in and wearing only St. Paul’s outerwear. It will be glorious! Just glorious!” Watkins said while squatting down on 11th Avenue, blow drying a particular spot of ice that he said “must be annihilated.”

Witnesses say Watkins was displaying “frightening levels of speed and agility.”

“He was just moving so fast,” Teresa Cope, a neighbor of the school, said, describing Watkins’ movements as “ninja-like.”

“He could clear a whole block in like 60 seconds. It was actually pretty impressive,” she said.

The Conair Infinit Pro 3Q Hair Dryer. Perfect for giving your hair that bouncy, volumized look and for melting ice off the roads around the high school you are in charge of. (Photo: Hyde Healy)

Other members of the St. Paul’s administration are confused but supportive of Watkins’ actions.

“Do I think using 17 extension cords to meticulously blow dry the streets around campus is the rational thing to do here?” asked school president Brother Ray Builliard, FSC. “That’s hard to say. But sometimes you just have to let Trevor be Trevor.”

“Trevor’s anomalous methods may indeed be unorthodox and nonsensical,” Assisant Principal Joe Dickens said, “but they are of paramount importance to the continuing prosperity of St. Paul’s and to the propensity of the school to institute a sterling education to our malleable pupils.”

Watkins allegedly gave a group of confused 8th graders blow dryers and deployed them around campus to expedite the process of clearing away the ice.

“Remember, do long vertical sweeps over the road,” Watkins said. “If you twerps blow this, you can kiss 8th grade graduation good bye.”

Watkins was also seen chasing down a group of seniors who were dumping buckets of water onto the roads.

Despite Watkins’ efforts, the school announced that the closure would continue for a second day.

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2 Comments on “CRY WOLF: Watkins Seen Frantically Blow Drying Roads Around SPS in Attempt to Keep School Open [satire]”

  1. Steve
    January 17, 2018 at 4:12 pm #

    Well written piece of work. As I was reading I could not stop laughing. As I read each sentence, I was drawn further in. If only his efforts and enthusiasm could be used to clear the way for the busses on the way to Washington DC, they would not have had to stop for the night in Meridian, Ms.

    Like

    • Alyson Garvey
      January 17, 2018 at 8:27 pm #

      Love love love! Enjoyed a big laugh!

      Like

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