[satire] CRY WOLF: Coach Pierre Accidentally Breaks Eighth Grader’s Hand During Handshake

Cry Wolf Satirical News.

(COVINGTON, La.) According to several sources, St. Paul’s football coach and science teacher Lee Pierre accidentally broke a student’s hand while giving him a handshake yesterday morning. The student, 8th grader Tim Sortino, was taken to the emergency room after the cordial greeting went terribly wrong.

“Hello, how are you?” Pierre, who is known for his enormous hands, reportedly said before lightly grasping Sortino’s hand, effectively crushing every bone inside of it.

Multiple students were said to have heard the incident from the hallway.

“I was just walking to class, and all of a sudden I heard this horrible crunching noise,” 10th grader Mason Doss said, noting that the sound was “deeply disturbing.” 

Sortino wrenches in pain as Coach Pierre lightly shakes his hand. (Photo: Hyde Healy)

“It sounded like someone had put rocks in a blender, and then put that blender into another larger blender,” Doss said.

The 14-year-old, 110-pound student was then rushed to St. Tammany Parish Hospital.

Hospital officials say they were alarmed by the injury, which one emergency room nurse called “the most gruesome break I’ve ever seen.”

“After examining his hand, we first thought someone may have violently beat it with a hammer,” said ER Physician Dr. Turner Manson. “Or perhaps maybe it had been rolled over several times by a large truck.”

After briefly considering a full amputation, medical officials decided to perform surgery on Sortino, in which numerous pins and screws were inserted into his hand, and a bone graft was taken from one of his ribs.

After fourteen hours of surgery, Sortino visited with family and is expected to recover.

“I deserve a medal for salvaging that mess,” visibly exhausted orthopedic surgeon Dr. Sarah Lipton said following the surgery.

Pierre gave only a brief, monotone statement to reporters.

“I did not intend for this to happen,” Pierre said, “and I apologize to Tim for this unfortunate occurrence.”

This isn’t the first time Pierre has unintentionally severely injured a student with his hands, which require a ring size of 117. In October 2015, he accidentally fractured a 9th grader’s collarbone while giving him a congratulatory pat on the back for doing well on a quiz.

Sortino’s parents have reportedly taken legal action, talking to lawmakers in an attempt to get Coach Pierre’s hands legally classified as weapons.

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