[satire] CRY WOLF: St. Paul’s Student Joins Gang, Falls Into Life of Crime After Hair Gets Too Long

Cry Wolf Satirical News

Gregory Wortis’ hair, as seen on the day he ran away from home to live a life of crime and depravity. (photo: Lisa Flood)

(COVINGTON, La.) St. Paul’s School is well-known for its haircut policy requiring any student whose hair grows past a certain length to cut it, as well as shave any facial hair they have, or face disciplinary action.  

A St. Paul’s student has reportedly joined a gang and fallen into a life of crime immediately after his hair grew somewhat long, according to several concerned sources. Junior Gregory Wortis, a former straight A student with an ACT score of 35, reportedly dropped out of school and joined a gang the same day his hair grew long enough to fall below his eyebrows and touch his collar.

“I’m just so worried about him,” an emotional Gina Wortis, Gregory’s mother, said. “It’s all my fault. I knew I should taken him to Supercuts.”

The St. Pauls administration has decided to use this as a teaching moment.

“This is exactly why we have rules like this,” Principal Trevor Watkins said. “Look, I’m not gonna say we told you so, but…”

“When a teacher tells you to get a haircut, they aren’t trying to pester you,” SPS President Bro. Ray Bulliard, FSC, said. “They are trying to save you.”

The administration, while acknowledging the magnitude of the situation, says it actually could have turned out much worse.

“Just imagine if he also had some light chin stubble,” Watkins said. “Young Gregory would probably be a full blown crime lord by now if that had been the case.”

Wortis, who was once the President of the Lasallian Youth Leaders and volunteered weekly at Christwood Retirement Community, now goes by the name “G-Dawg” and lives in a 1994 Honda Accord behind a rundown Waffle House ever since his hair grew over his ears.

“G-Dawg’s never going back to school, man,” Wortis said. “When G-Dawg looked in the mirror and saw his hair was of average to above average length, he instantly realized school was for suckas and he was never gonna make cash money reading books.”

Sources also say Wortis was immediately compelled to punch a puppy in the face after realizing he was not wearing a belt.

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