[satire] CRY WOLF: Couple Who Is Bad at Saying ‘No’ Buy 17th Cutco Knife Set

Cry Wolf Satirical News.

Note: Cutco is a high-end knife selling company known for hiring high school and college students to sell its products. The students are paid on commission and are often encouraged to try selling to friends and family.


 

(MANDEVILLE, La.) A Northshore couple who are bad at saying “no” have just bought their 17th Cutco knife set, according to reports. Sources say that Mandeville residents Jason and Allison Brant bought the set—their 3rd one this month—from their nephew, 16-year-old Cutco sales representative Davis Lockett.

“I know it might be a bit much, but when your relative or close family friend’s kid makes the effort to come all the way to your home and ask you to spend $1,200 on some knives, what are you supposed to do?” 39- year-old Jason Brant said. “Not spend $1,200 on some knives?”

Lockett, who has been exploiting the politeness of his friends and family for financial gain since last November, says this was one of the easiest sales he has ever made.

IMG_0758

The 17 Cutco knife sets as seen disgracefully strewn about the Brants’ kitchen. (image credit pexels.com)

“As soon as I saw the 16 Cutco Homemaker sets already in their house, I knew this was gonna be a slam dunk.” Lockett said, describing his aunt and uncle as “weak, sad humans.” “These people are a freaking goldmine. I think I’m gonna go back next week and sell them a $400 titanium alloy Turkey Baster or something.”

The Brants have stated that the 306 knives purchased from various high schoolers in the Northshore area have left their family in a dire financial situation.

“Yep. These demon knives have stranded us in an unending whirlpool of inescapable debt and sorrow.” Jason Brant said while using one of his Cutco 440A surgical steel knives to cut through a ribeye steak “as if it were butter.”

“After the 11th set, we had to pull our kids out of private school. After the 14th, we had to take a second mortgage out on the house,” Brant said. “If we buy one more set, we might have to pull my dad out of his retirement home and have him move in with us. And I don’t even know how we’d pay for his oxygen tank.”

The Brants have recently put out a statement begging all Cutco sales members to never contact them again.

“Please. We are on the brink of financial ruin.” Allison Brant pleaded. “If a Cutco salesperson is reading this, please do not call us. I beg of you. Target someone else. Anyone else. Just not us. Please.”

At press time, the Brants had spent nearly $300 at a lemonade stand run by a 7-year-old girl.

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4 Comments on “[satire] CRY WOLF: Couple Who Is Bad at Saying ‘No’ Buy 17th Cutco Knife Set”

  1. Liz Healy
    August 10, 2018 at 9:55 pm #

    Love this one!!

    Like

  2. Joseph Dickens
    August 11, 2018 at 8:09 am #

    Great stuff as always. Coach Dickens

    Like

  3. Forge Mathes
    August 11, 2018 at 11:36 pm #

    Spencer fix the weird text wrapping

    Like

    • Spencer Fox
      August 13, 2018 at 10:25 am #

      shhhh old man

      Like

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