[satire] CRY WOLF: New Benilde Bathroom Already Smells Terrible

Cry Wolf Satirical News

Note: The old Benilde Hall contained a restroom that was notorious for its horrible smell and general uncleanliness.


(COVINGTON, La.) The bathroom of the newly renovated Benilde Hall already smells terrible, according to numerous disgusted sources. Students and faculty alike have expressed confusion as to how the brand-new bathroom, which came part of a multimillion-dollar renovation, already smells so foul.

“It’s not even the third week of school,” horrified junior Jerome Bennett said. “How did this happen?”

“Man, I thought we’d have at least a few months where you didn’t need a hazmat suit to use the Benilde bathroom,” sophomore Justin Parting said. “How foolish and naive I was to believe in such fantasy.”

Benilde Hall, which is currently in use by students as it finishes receiving a multimillion-dollar renovation. (photo by Hyde Healy)

After strong vocal outcry from parents concerning the condition of their sons’ restroom facilities, the St. Paul’s administration has called in experts from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to monitor the situation.

“This extreme level of smell and repugnance should only be able to be achieved by many years of abuse and, for lack of a better term, bathroom malpractice,” CDC official Maria Burke said. “The fact that this happened in two weeks is both alarming and scientifically fascinating.”

The administration has been vocal about its disappointment with the St. Paul’s student body.

“This is why we don’t let y’all use the bathroom during class,” Principal Trevor Waktins said. “We say it’s so you don’t waste class time or whatever, but it’s really because you all are a bunch of animals who can’t seem to grasp the concept of basic bathroom etiquette.”

While many are confused and saddened by the bathroom’s state, others have shown a more realistically cynical outlook.

“When you have 900 plus teenage boys as the only people who use a specific bathroom, what do you expect to happen to that bathroom?” teacher Andrew Dart said. “Nothing could have been done to prevent this. It was inevitable. This is simply the natural order of things.”

At press time, reports surfaced that one of Saint Scholastica Academy’s bathrooms, which has been in use since the school’s opening in 1903 and has never once been renovated, was declared “Covington’s Cleanest Restroom.”


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