Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.) Walking past various pieces of litter at the end of lunch Wednesday, all 900 plus students that comprise the St. Paul’s student body assumed that “someone else will pick that up.” According to multiple sources, 900 different St. Paul’s students all didn’t feel the need to pick up the trash that stained the campus grounds because “someone will definitely take care of that.”

“There’s really no point in me picking this up,” the entire student body simultaneously thought when faced with the task of reaching down slightly to pick up a piece of trash. “There’s a lot of students on this campus. Someone will definitely get it.”

 

What’s me not getting this one little piece of trash gonna do? Nothing, probably. thought junior baseball player Channing Tragovsky when faced with an empty water bottle on the ground near the main school building.

Tragovsky’s thoughts reflected the exact feelings of freshman band member Sam Mortimer, who had walked by a Reese’s Fast-Break wrapper that very same day.

Unfortunately, this thought was also shared with sophomore theater member Dante Pickett after spotting a crushed juice box on the first floor of LaSalle Hall and senior robotics captain Preston Griffin, who noticed an abandoned food tray in the Wolf Dome and did nothing. Plus, I already have my bag on, and that trash can is like, pretty far away.”

 

A St. Paul’s student sees a piece of trash, considers picking it up, but decides to leave it on the ground. (Video Credit- Hyde Healy)

In response to the copious amount of litter left on campus, Principal Trevor Watkins came on Wolf TV Wednesday after lunch.

“If there is trash left on the ground the consequences will be unimaginable,” Principal Trevor Watkins yelled Wednesday while his face grew a deep red and steam shot from his ears like a cartoon. “You’re all going to stay here all night if it’s necessary. I’m talkin’ people on their hands and knees picking up trash with their teeth, some really brutal stuff. I’ll have 8th graders dumpster diving for my amusement!”

After Watkins’ initial announcement, he came back on Wolf TV just twenty minutes later and immediately backtracked.

“As it turns out, I’m not ‘legally allowed’ to do any of that stuff I talked about earlier,” a visibly annoyed Watkins said. “I am now changing my threat to this: pick up your trash, or I’ll be pretty dang sore about it.”