Cry Wolf Satirical News

(COVINGTON, La.) St. Paul’s School has called in the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to combat a grade-wide outbreak of Senioritis, according to the school administration. While there have been some reported cases of Senioritis within the St. Paul’s current senior class dating back to August, the disease did not officially reach outbreak status until just a few weeks ago.

“This Senioritis outbreak is an epidemic,” Principal Trevor Watkins said, “and we are taking all proper and necessary actions to stop it.”

“While calling upon the federal government may seem drastic, it’s the only way we can stop this scourge before it gets out of control and hurts our chances of becoming a National Blue Ribbon School of Excellence like we were in 2015,” Brother Ray Bulliard, FSC., said. “And if you didn’t know, yes we were a National Blue Ribbon School of Excellence in 2015. Yep, a National Blue Ribbon School of Excellence.”

CDC officials have already established multiple stations throughout campus, including a quarantine center in the old gym.

“The wrestling mats in the old gym already have all sorts of dangerous diseases on them, so we figured we’d just put the sick kids in there” Katherine Lyon Daniel, PhD, the CDC Associate Director for Communication, said.

Scientists say the disease spreads mainly through verbal contact. If students are heard saying anything like, “I’m already accepted into college; why should I still try?” or, “Second semester senior year grades don’t matter,” they are immediately put into quarantine, according to Daniel.

“Other symptoms include a drop in GPA, many unexcused absences, and saying ‘I’m done. I’m just done,’” Daniel said. “Parents—if your son exhibits any of these symptoms, do not let them come to school. If possible, lock them in a room with nothing but textbooks and water.”

At press time, CDC doctors were attempting to treat Senioritis patients by having teachers give them empty words of encouragement like, “Just work for a few more months!” and, “Don’t get lazy now, you’re so close,” but the results have been discouraging.