Cry Wolf Satirical News
Note: Today (Friday, May 3) is the seniors last day of school, and they have been warned by the St. Paul’s administration not to pull a prank.
(COVINGTON, La.) — Gripping a baseball bat and clad in a sleeveless shirt and jeans, Principal Watkins stood outside the main school building to protect St. Paul’s School from a senior prank.
“If any senior punk even thinks about pranking our good school, he’s gonna have a nice little conversation with my friend, Mr. Bat,” Watkins gruffed while firmly tapping the bat against his open hand.
Watkins says he has become increasingly “militant” regarding senior pranks over the past few years.
“Tomfoolery? Not on my watch. Ballyhoo? Think again, bucko,” Watkins said. “Light-hearted high school buffoonery? You might as well buy yourself a one-way ticket to pain town, friend.”
“If we have to miss a single nanosecond of class instruction due to some sort of senior hijinks, I’ll burn this whole place to the ground,” Watkins said.
According to faculty, Watkins has advised all teachers to use “brute, yet necessary” force to combat a possible prank.
“He told me that if any of the seniors were to ‘disappear,’ that it was completely justified since it’s in the name of school-defense,” Art and World History teacher Andrew Dart said.
Watkins has reportedly conscripted eighth graders to act as hidden sentries. According to an anonymous source, some eighth graders are hidden high in trees while others lie crouched in trash cans, their mission being to report any suspicious activity to Watkins, whose code name is said to be “Daddy T.”
“I’ve been in this tree for three days, please help me,” one tired, shaking eighth grader tethered to the oak tree in Founders Circle told a reporter. “Daddy T only feeds us week old, stale chicken nuggets from the cafeteria. He says if we refuse to ‘serve this great school of ours’ then we won’t get the Blue P award.”
At press time, Watkins reportedly tackled senior Josh Devier to the ground because he “looked fishy.”