Watkins to Hire Professional Bounty Hunters for Teacher Survey Dodgers

(COVINGTON, La.) — In a statement released yesterday, St. Paul’s Principal Trevor Watkins said he plans to hire professional bounty hunters for students who have not taken their teacher surveys.

“At this point,” Watkins said, “this seems like the most logical solution.”

Watkins has been increasingly stricter regarding the surveys each year since the school started the survey program a few years ago.

“Staying after school to take the surveys, detentions, and the other methods we’ve tried have proven ineffective,” Watkins said.  “Students just don’t care.”

Watkins expressed hope that the looming threat of being snatched off the street and forced to take the survey by grizzled and scary-looking men will give the students of St. Paul’s some incentive to complete it on their own.

“I’m sorry it had to come to this, but these surveys are important,” Watkins said.

Bounty hunter "Hacksaw" intimidates underclassmen survey dodgers in Founder's Circle. (Photo: Hyde Healy)
Students flee in panic from a bounty hunter in Founders’ Circle. (Photo: Hyde Healy)

Furthermore, the hand-picked bounty hunters seem to be avid in taking up this unusual job.

“Whether they want to or not, those kids are gonna take those surveys,” said one bounty hunter, who is known only by the name “Hacksaw.”

“And Mr. Trevor told us to not let them go until they’ve taken the survey seriously. No more hastily marking ‘Good’ for every question,” said another bounty hunter, who goes by the name “Box-Cutter Jim.”

The fugitive hunters will reportedly be deployed for the first time at the end of this school year.

“Is this a bit extreme?” Watkins asked. “Perhaps. Is it necessary? Absolutely.”

Reportedly, cash bonuses will be rewarded to hunters whose target students write a relative question, comment, or concern at the bottom of their survey.

Questions over these unorthodox methods have inevitably been raised by students and parents alike. Specifically, people seem to be wondering how, in fact, Watkins solicited these bounty hunters.

In the wake of these vocal concerns, the school declined to comment further.

“I just know people, ok?” Watkins said.

The school’s administration has expressed full support for this decision, and both Watkins and the rest of the administrative team hope this will be a positive step forward for St. Paul’s.

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For those who haven’t figured it out yet, Cry Wolf is the new satirical news section of The Paper Wolf. Read more about this new “news” segment here.


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