Cry Wolf Satirical News
(COVINGTON, La) A sage prophet told a group of mesmerized freshmen Tuesday (Aug. 29) that high school goes by really fast, according to multiple mind-blown sources.
“You have to cherish your time now,” said the oracle, 17-year-old senior Nathan Mace, as he generously conferred his wisdom upon some underclassmen. “Before you know it, you’ll be a senior and high school will be ending.”
Mace’s guidance reportedly had a profound effect on his listeners, as some started visibly shaking while hearing the powerful words.
“When he said the thing about the importance of enjoying high school and not rushing to get older, my whole world was rocked,” said freshman Jonathan Costner, who expressed that his entire outlook on life has been forever changed. “I had just never once thought about it like that before.”
While nothing has been confirmed, it is widely assumed that Mace, whom the student body has dubbed “Nathaniel the Wise,” derives his knowledge from some kind of godly source.
“He’s gotta be friends with some type of divine being,” said Sam Melturner, another freshman who was touched by Mace’s words. “Maybe angels come to him in his dreams. I mean, where else would he be getting this revolutionary information?”
After word spread of Mace’s teachings, Brother Ray Bulliard, FSC, reportedly asked him to speak at the next President’s Assembly. Additionally, many teachers have been trying to get Mace to come speak to their classes personally.
“Yeah, I tried to get him to come talk to my students,” said Pre-Engineering teacher Mark Richards. “But apparently he’s booked solid for like a month.”
However, Mace’s requests for speaking have not stopped there. As of today, he has been confirmed to be delivering commencement addresses at 14 different universities across the country in the spring, including Stanford and Yale University. Also, he is slated to speak at over 30 Fortune 500 companies over the next year, including Google and Tesla Motors.
“We are honored and more than thrilled to have Nathaniel the Wise come speak to us,” said Tesla Motors founder and CEO Elon Musk. “I know our employees will gain valuable insight from hearing him speak, and we hope to become a better company because of it.”
At press time, Mace was seen shattering the universes of some eighth graders by telling them it’s important to get involved.
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