CRY WOLF (satire): New Report Shows Fortnite Responsible for More St. Paul’s Student Brotherhood Than All Retreats Combined

(Cry Wolf Satirical News)
Popular video game Fortnite: Battle Royale is responsible for creating stronger brotherhood among St. Paul’s students than all St. Paul’s retreats combined, according to a new report released yesterday by Louisiana State University.

Fortnite: Battle Royale (often shortened to just Fortnite), is an online multiplayer game where 100 players are dropped onto an island and fight until only one remains. The game has become wildly popular in recent months, recently hitting 45 million players and one million happy couples broken up.

“After extensive research, the evidence is quite clear,” lead author of the report Dr. Michael Garcia said. “Playing Fortnite has caused more quality bonding, and inspired more of a ‘brotherhood,’ among the students of St. Paul’s than every grade-level retreat put together. Period.”

Researchers say that the growth of student relationships during a retreat day pales in comparison to playing just a single round of Fortnite.

“Our findings show that getting ambushed with your squad at Anarchy Acres or fighting your way out of Tilted Towers is more effective at causing students to grow closer emotionally than going around a circle at Camp Abbey and saying something personal about yourself,” Garcia said.

The report names Fortnite as “one of the best team-building exercises there is.” (Image credit Epic Games)

Many students have spoken out about how Fortnite has so drastically strengthened their relationships with their classmates.

“When I got my first dub on squads, it was probably the most special moment in my St. Paul’s career,” said emotional senior Mitchell Dobbs. “I’ll be honest, I cried a bit. That experience made me realize how much I truly cared about these guys. St. Paul’s forevermore!”

“When my friend came charging back into the storm to revive me, that was the closest I’ve ever felt to him,” said sophomore Logan Fitzpatrick. “I knew then that he wasn’t just my friend. He was my brother.”

In response to the startling findings of the report, the St. Paul’s School administration has proposed incorporating Fortnite into the grade-level retreats.

“We are actively working on implementing Fortnite into our school retreats,” Principal Trevor Watkins said. “Instead of breaking the students into groups and having them talk about themselves, we’ll divide the students into groups of four and have them play a couple games of squads.”

“At the end of each round we’ll have the students talk about how they felt during the game and positively discuss things they could have done differently,” Watkins said.

There are even talks of incorporating Fortnite into eighth grade orientation as an ice-breaker.

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