Cry Wolf Satirical News

(HAMPTON, Nh.) National fitness gym franchise Planet Fitness is now offering prospective gym members a realistic New Year’s membership that automatically expires after two weeks, according to a statement released Tuesday by the company.

“Here at Planet Fitness, we are all about inclusion,” the statement read. “So we thought it was about darn time to include a membership option for those of us who purchase a gym plan at the start of the year, use it for about 14 days or so and then give up like the sad, weak-willed people we are!”

The fitness plan, which is called the “Who are you kidding?” membership becomes active on January 1 and then automatically deactivates on January 15, according to the announcement.

“We noticed many of our customers going through this whole charade of setting up a membership that is valid for way too long and then just letting it go to waste,” the statement continued. “Our new plan saves customers money and the inevitable self-loathing that comes with reading the email we send asking if you want to renew your membership when you very well know you stopped going to the gym months ago!”

According to the Planet Fitness Chief Executive Officer Chris Rondeau, the New Year’s membership is made even more realistic in that in addition to expiring after 14 days it also only gives the gym member access to the treadmill, elliptical, and stationary bike.

“Whenever customers start going to the gym just because of a half-hearted resolution they made, we all know they only use like two, three machines max,” Rondeau said. “They might do the treadmill for a bit and maybe the elliptical. If they’re really getting wild, they might do the stationary bike. This is yet another way the ‘Who are you kidding?’ package helps the customer.”

Rondeau also added that the new membership option’s official motto is “You can’t be lazy if you don’t give yourself the chance to work hard.”

At press time, prominent weight loss company Weight Watchers began offering a realistic New Year’s diet plan called “You are lying to yourself, and you know it.” that only offers two weeks worth of healthy meals.