Cry Wolf Satirical News
(COVINGTON, La.) Fresh off its 3-0 state championship victory over Jesuit High School Saturday night, the St. Paul’s Varsity soccer team has decided to melt all 10 of its Louisiana state championship trophies to create a 15 foot statue of head coach Sean Moser.
“After careful consideration and a long talk with the team, we believe this is the only true course of action that SPS soccer can take,” team captain Conner Walmsley said. “I mean, what good are ten state championship trophies anyway if you can’t use them to immortalize your coach in glorious bronze effigy.”
According to reports, the school administration has mixed feelings concerning the new project.
“Well, when the soccer men approached me and asked if there was any way they could expose all of their trophies to temperatures upwards of 2500 degrees Fahrenheit and then use that liquified metal to construct a 15 foot statue of Sean Moser, I thought, ‘Well that’s the greatest idea I’ve ever heard,’” St. Paul’s Athletic Director Craig Ketelsen said.
“Sure, we could do a statue of Saint Benilde or Saint Solomon Leclerq,” A visibly stressed Brother Ray Bulliard, FSC, said. “But no, Sean Moser is good too, I guess.”
According to the team, there are currently three proposed designs for the statue. The first, called “The Candid Sean,” depicts Moser standing awkwardly, clad in his classic khaki pants and plaid shirt.
The second shows Moser standing menacingly with his foot over the neck of a small, weeping child—the child representing all other high school soccer programs in Louisiana. The working title for this design is “Sean the Destroyer.”
The third design sees Moser in conversation with another person. In the design, the other person has clearly been made uncomfortable because of a strange joke or comment made by Moser, who has a wry smile on his face. This design is simply called “Talking Sean.”
At press time, the team announced the location of the statue to be the entrance of Hunter Stadium so that all opposing soccer players who enter the stadium “can look into the eyes of the man who’s about to make them cry.”