Cry Wolf satirical news.
(COVINGTON, La.) — Regarding the upcoming Student Council election, a St. Paul’s student has decided he will vote for the student council candidate that makes better empty promises, sources confirmed Wednesday (April 5). Reports say that sophomore Brian Deck’s vote will be won by the quality of promises that will never be carried out.
“That’s just what I look for in a candidate,” Deck said, adding that the more realistic ideas are “just super boring. I like to see appealing, completely far-fetched ideas that will be nearly impossible to make happen.”
Deck told reporters he “isn’t your usual voter” who will be swayed by who is funnier or who he is better friends with.
“I’d consider myself a conscientious voter,” Deck said. “I’m not concerned with such trivial things like how funny your speech is, or if I’m good friends with you or not. I vote based on what really matters: Who makes better and more implausible promises.”
This year’s Student Council candidates have reportedly made a myriad of pandering campaign promises, all of which Deck has scrutinized heavily.
“One guy said he’d completely eliminate homework,” Deck said. “I think that’s a brilliant idea, and, while it will be 100 percent impossible to achieve, I like where his head’s at.”
“Another guy said he’d bring David Bowie back to life,” Deck continued, adding that resurrecting the late King of Glam Rock also really appeals to him. “I love David Bowie, and I’m glad to see that this candidate shares my same sentiments that Ziggy Stardust should be brought back from the dead.”
A source who works closely with Student Council explained why Deck and many other students base their votes on things like this.
“While factors like who is funnier or who is more popular definitely come into play,” the source said, “it ultimately comes down to who has better ideas that will literally never come to fruition.”
At press time, Deck was debating whether the promise of holding weekly underground steel cage matches between eighth graders was better than the promise of requiring teachers to refer to all students as “Your Excellence.”