Cry Wolf Satirical News.

sat·ire | saˌtī(ə)r | noun

a humorous, ironic or exaggerated look at life

SATIRICAL MEANS THIS IS NOT REAL

.   .   .

(COVINGTON, La.) A student is reportedly so unremarkable that not even Bro. Ray Bulliard, FSC, knows his name. The student, a sophomore named Peyton or Peter or something, has done nothing even remotely notable and has accomplished so little that Bro. Ray, who allegedly knows the name of every person he has ever met (and their entire extended family) since he was two weeks old, has no idea what this student’s name is.

Bro. Ray reportedly failed to address the student by his name when greeting a group of sophomores under the Wolf Dome Monday (Dec. 4).

“Hello, Greg. How is your half-sister, Bethany? Hey, how’s it going, Jonathan? Has your third cousin, Charles Braxton III, gotten over his cold yet? Ah, Robert, how are you? I was sorry to hear about the passing of your three goldfish: Xavier, Bruce Springsteen, and Gordon,” Bro. Ray said, going down the line of sophomores, about to get to Paul or whatever.

“Hey there, uh…sport,” a visibly flustered Bro. Ray said, racking his brain to find any minor detail that could set this student apart from the other 900 students at St. Paul’s, all of whose names he knows. “How’s it going, um…slugger?”

When questioned about the event, Bro. Ray denied claims stating that he did not know the student’s name.

“I know his name. Just give me a second,” Bro. Ray said, referring to Patrick. “Is it…Thomas? I feel like it’s Thomas.”

The student, whose name is definitely not Thomas, although it could be Percy, or perhaps Pablo, was unable to be reached for comment as no one on The Paper Wolf staff cared enough to try.

At press time, Bro. Ray continued speculating on the boy’s name, unable to come to terms with not knowing it.

“IT’S JUSTIN!” Bro. Ray exclaimed. “Or wait, it also could be Lucas.”