Cry Wolf Satirical News
(BATON ROGUE) In order to translate everything he says into English, Louisiana State University has hired an official translator for head football coach Ed Orgeron, university officials confirmed yesterday.
“We are very excited to announce this news. This is long overdue,” LSU officials said. “An official Coach Translator will be an invaluable asset to our football program.”
The translator, named as 30-year-old Rebecca Lin, was born in Connecticut and learned English as her first language but studied Cajun for three years at the University of Louisiana Lafayette.
“I’m thrilled for the opportunity to allow people to know what Coach Orgeron is saying for the first time ever. Go Tigers!” Lin said. “Or, as Coach O says, ‘Geaux Tigahs.’”
Despite Lin’s excitement, she admitted to reporters that translating for Orgeron is a daunting task.
“I’ve translated Mandarin for Chinese diplomats and Swahili for Kenyan politicians,” Lin said. “But this will be by far the most challenging translating job I’ve ever done.”
LSU officials have made it clear that Lin will be a full-time translator, meaning she will be with Orgeron during press conferences, on the field, in the locker room, etc., to ensure Orgeron can communicate with anyone he comes into contact with.
LSU staff and players alike are reportedly thrilled about the news.
“I am so freaking happy.” the person responsible for providing subtitles for Orgeron’s press conferences, Jeremy Gallagher, said while crying tears of joy. Gallagher is reportedly the seventh different subtitle operator LSU has had this season, with the first six either quitting immediately or experiencing a mental breakdown.
“Whenever Coach O has called a play, I’ve never once understood it.” LSU starting quarterback Joe Burrow said. “I just kinda nod along as if I understand, but then I just call my own play. Actually knowing what Coach wants us to do will be a big help to our offense.”